Her
by AmYer47
Summary: Thoughts and feelings of Beca about Chloe.


**N/A:** Sorry for the gramar mistakes. And this is POV Beca :D

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_Her._

I guess it's meant to be like this, yes, I fell in love with _her_, so what? Love isn't always corresponded. Even though you really love someone, you can't bound _her_ to love you, there's nothing you can do. _Nothing_. Absolutely nothing. Just pretend you forgot _her_. That you don't care about _her_. Pretending you don't cry at night, thinking her name and then you smile in the morning as nothing happened. As you didn't feel anything.

_Nothing._

That's what happens, that's what's happening, that's what will happen. _That's it_. That's what I should get into my head…

_Nothing._

_Nothing_ comes into my head, it's _her_, she doesn't get out of my head, or do I force myself to keep _her_ on my mind? Why am I so masochist? I don't know. No one can make me feel that way, no one at all, no one can tear me down like _her_. Nobody can harm me as she does. Nobody can make me feel so happy. _Just her._

_Her._

Yes, probably I'm bipolar, perhaps I'm just in love, _maybe I'm obsessed_, what may I do? Forget _her_, yes, forget _her_, it isn't as easy as saying it, but… Is it really ? Is it easy to forget _her_? Do I want to forget _her_? Did I ever try to? Probably not, but something stops me.

_What?_

I don't know. Obsession? Perhaps, probably I had reached a point where I'm turning to _her_ too much, to _her_ words, smiles, glances, voice, _her_, all about _her_, depending whether she talks to me, she doesn't talk to me, or if she ignores me. Maybe it's an obsession. How can I work it out?

_Can I?_

Yes, I can, but I don't want to, or I do. There is always something that pushes me away from the thoughts of forgetting her, looking at her, speaking to her, or keeps me away from her. What's it? I don't know. But there's something, I'm pretty sure about that. It's likely to be herself.

_Her._

_Her_ and him, him? Do they have something? Is it important? Yes, it is, a lot, it's too important for me, more than it should be. She's always smiling at the ground when she's next to him, she's always laughing with him, besides him. We all expect them to be together. They make a nice couple. I don't like him, but she does. I met him when she sneaked into my shower… But my opinion is insignificant right now, it doesn't matter at all, because which is important is her's. Just her's. What matters' _her_.

_Her._

Why her? I don't know, why me? I don't know, fate? Maybe, does it exist? Probably, why can't I just let it all go? The city, the country, just stay away from her? I could, but will I? Would I? Anyway I don't know.

_I should._

I'm aware of all I've been through, of the years that have passed by since I've been like this, I'm aware I've had several illnesses because of her due to the lack of sleeping and feeding. I'm aware of everything, I've suffered too much. And I know I should stop this, but...

_And her?_

Is she aware of this? No. Because she doesn't care about me. She didn't care about me. She won't care about me. So? Why am I still punishing myself? Why do I keep writing down my feeling on a paper sheet? Why? My friends keep on telling me that I should stop it. That it's obsession. Is it? _Yes._

_Obsessed._

_For her._

_Her._

How can I stop this? How should I stop it? I can't stop talking to _her_, I tried to, yet I couldn't, I was just able to handle it for two weeks, I got worse, should I had kept on? Probably, _no pain no gain_. How much more pain I have to feel to get what I want? Because all I want is _her._

_Her._

Perhaps what my professor said was true. That love is just an illness, will they find the cure? Probably, we can let time run, the years, the feelings, if they will vanish someday. Will they? Probably, _nothing last forever_. Time fixes everything.

_Time._

That's what I need: time. Time? With or without her? Without her, in order to forget her, to stop thinking about her, her blue eyes, her smile… I need time, lonelyness, a smash, or two, or none. Probably what I just need is time.

_Or her._

_Her._


End file.
